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Splintering Bats Too Dangerous, Say Vampire Pitchers

The Vampire Baseball Players Union today released a scathing report about the rash of broken bats taking place at MLB games all across the country. It has reached near epidemic proportions in recent years, with multiple bats per game shattering into dangerous shards of wood.

Vampire Union president Randy Johnson spoke out against the troublesome bats.

“These are an extreme danger to any vampire who may be on the mound,” said an irate Johnson. “In all my years of being a creepy, pale, unnatural looking vampire out there on the rubber, I have never seen so many stakes fly right at people.

“It’s just a matter of time before one goes right through someone’s heart, and we have a pile of burning clothes where a decent, family-loving vampire’s body used to be.”

He went on to call the stakes exploding from bats borderline racist, and asked how African Americans would feel if bats exploded and fried chicken came out. He said clearly the bat manufacturers are designing these things as an insult to Transylvanian-Americans.

Other vampires are weighing in on the matter, such as Eternal Undead Jamie Moyer.

“I’ve personally had to dodge several of these things over the years,” Moyer said. “Luckily I’m older than even the game of baseball, so I’ve learned how to get away from flying stakes, but I’m worried about these young blood suckers.

“Between this and all the day games I keep complaining to the schedulers about, it’s just dangerous out there for us. Next thing you know they’ll be pretending like Sammy Sosa’s garlicked bat incident didn’t happen.”

The Vampire Union says it will wait for a solution from Louisville Slugger, the manufacturers of all MLB bats, but not forever. They then said they could technically wait forever due to their immortality, but would only give them another Twilight movie or two to find fix.

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A-Rod Closes in on 600 Free Balls to Fans in Poor Seats

As covered extensively on ESPN, Alex Rodriguez is nearly to a huge milestone in Major League Baseball, providing 600 balls to people with crappy seats at games. Rodriguez, as a relatively poor boy in the Dominican Republic, always had horrible seats to baseball games and vowed to one day become a dominant power hitter to make up for it.

As he hit number 598 over the weekend, the Yankee announcers talked about the generosity of A-Rod.

“Only a few players in history have been this great with giving free souvenirs to poor baseball fans,” the announcers stated. “Hank Aaron, Babe Ruth, and of course the super philanthropist Barry Bonds; the man who risked his fertility, health, and size of his testicles to be able to give balls to people who can barely see the batter during the game.”

“And Alex still has a few years left, he could wind up as the most charitable slugger of all time,” replied the other announcer.

Rodriguez has said it was his poor upbringing that has him trying to give out free items to those whose tickets cost less than a beer. He also runs charities on the side like Homers For The Homeless, where he goes out on the streets of New York and hits balls directly at homeless people from a short distance to give them a piece of the game they can keep.

His charity has handed out over 1000 balls unofficially, while putting over 200 people in the hospital.

How many balls he hands out by the end of his career is anybody’s guess, but 600 is quite a milestone, and for those in the outfield, it’s always exciting when he comes to the plate.


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12-Year-Old Outfielder Cut After Horrid Play In 2010 Home Run Derby (Satire)

There have been many poor performances in sports history, but never has a player had a night this horrific. And it just so happened that 12-year old Keri Sterling’s nightmare of a game happened in front of a packed house at Angel Stadium in Anaheim, California and a nationwide audience on ESPN.  

Due to her father’s contacts in the business world and his willingness to shell out a few hundred bucks, Sterling got the nod from Home Run Derby Manager Gus McFarland to start in Short Left Center Field.

It was a decision that McFarland would soon regret.

The Diamondbacks’ Chris Young started off the night against the Home Run Derby fielders, and it wasn’t long before he hit a lazy fly ball Sterling’s way.  Clearly nervous in her first Derby start, the young outfielder misjudged the fly ball by at least twelve feet, falling backward and bumping into another fielder in the process.

That missed fly ball began what was a comedy of errors as the over matched Sterling attempted to chase down fly balls from sluggers Corey Hart, Hanley Ramirez, Chris Young, Matt Holiday, David Ortiz, Vernon Wells, Nick Swisher, and Miguel Cabrera.

Her poor fielding display included running long distances with her left arm straight out and her right arm covering her face, turning her glove over the wrong way multiple times, and jumping to catch balls that were twenty feet of more over her head.

Even when Sterling was able to retrieve the ball, she was unable to throw it more than three feet towards the infield. By the time eventual Home Run Champion Big Papi made it to the plate for the last time, Keri Sterling had committed a record 37 fielding errors, and it would have been 39 had two of those errors not been incorrectly pinned on 8-year old Jake Lowery, the Derby’s fourth Mid Left Center Fielder. 

“After a performance like that, we really have no choice but to make a move,” said Coach McFarland, “We just can’t afford to have a kid like her out there with such a glaring lack of any athletic ability whatsoever. We only have enough room for about 85 outfielders on this roster. I’m afraid that all the coaching and practice in the world wouldn’t help, clearly this young lady was just a loser in the genetic lottery.  I’ve met with her and told her that sports are just not in her future, and that maybe she should take up piano or painting or Harry Potter books or whatever it is that those un-athletic, nerdy kids participate in.”

“I don’t know what to say,” said Sterling’s distraught father, an account executive for a local State Farm office “I’m very displeased with this performance.  We practiced for weeks in the backyard, and eventually I was able to toss up the ball and hit a few fly balls that almost made it out to where she was standing.”

TSC attempted to speak to Sterling herself following her record setting night, but she left the stadium crying like a little girl.

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Hell Welcomes George Steinbrenner

One of the legendary baseball executives passed away today. At the age of 80, George Steinbrenner suffered a heart attack and died in a hospital in Tampa. It was a somber mood around baseball on the day of the All-Star Game, as everyone got the news of his death.

But that wasn’t the case in the afterlife, as the minions of Hell prepared a grand ball to welcome The Boss. Hell’s party-planning committee, headed by Satan, Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, and Jack the Ripper, organized an “Under The Sea”-themed bash. They thought the theme would help cheer him up about his sudden death, by reminding him how the Yanks had dominated the mighty ocean-faring Tampa Bay Rays after a slow start.

It was to be a gala event, with dancing, music from the pedophile symphony orchestra, and some fine dining on fresh, tortured souls. The red carpet was littered with a who’s who of dead, evil celebrities out in their fanciest attire. But the mood dampened when Steinbrenner showed up and Satan went to give him a big hug.

“Whoa, what the… hell, I guess… am I doing here?” asked a confused Steinbrenner.

“What do you mean?” replied Satan. “This is your welcoming party! We got word you were coming in today, so we threw up this bash! Put on a seashell necklace and let’s dance and commit human rights atrocities!”

“Wait, I know I’m pretty disliked around the country because my team wins all the time, and I buy all the good players. But being sent to Hell? Really?”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure you belong here. You’re a pretty hated guy. You’re probably the most disliked in sports, aside from Bill Belichick, of course. But we already know he’s coming to be my successor.”

“Are you serious?!” exclaimed Steinbrenner. “I was just a businessman. I mean, there’s a guy over there on the side of the red carpet just eating babies!”

“Oh, that… yeah, that’s Thargor. He’s an old Viking serial killer from about 1,000 years ago. He loves eating people…”

Satan yelled, “Thargor! Knock it off with the babies! We have a new guest! You’re freaking him out! Go inside and wait until those babies are cooked, like the rest of us are doing! We can all eat them then!”

He turned back to Steinbrenner.

“Feel more comfortable now, George?”

“No! I don’t belong here! How could this have happened?!”

Satan thought for a minute.

“Oh, wait… I bet I know what it was. Gary who works in Purgatory is a huge Red Sox fan, a part of Red Sox Nation and all that. He probably saw your name on the docket and put you down for Hell…”

“A-ha! I knew it! I definitely don’t belong with all these murderers and rapists. Can you get this fixed?”

Satan frowned.

“Yeah, I can. But it’s going to take a little paperwork to get done. Party is cancelled, everybody! George isn’t staying!”

“I’m sorry about this, the party looks very nice,” said George, trying to cheer up the nearly-in-tears Dark Lord.

“This always happens! No one cool ever comes to Hell! It’s only these jerks! This’ll take some time to get sorted out, George… won’t you come inside and eat a cooked baby with me while we wait for Heaven to come pick you up?”

“Just because I’m going to Heaven, doesn’t mean I wouldn’t love to eat a baby! I’m The Boss, after all!”

Both men shared a laugh and headed into the ballroom.


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MLB Fans Vote Selves Into All-Star Game (Satire)

The process of having fans only vote on the MLB All-Star Game has finally backfired on Major League Baseball, as they have announced no active players have made it onto either roster this year.

For years, the fan vote process has been chided by critics for allowing undeserving popular players to slip into the game ahead of those with better stats. But now the biggest snub might be players like Albert Pujols and Joe Mauer, as not a single player will be taking part in the festivities this year.

“Well, I guess I just wasn’t quite having the year I thought I was,” said a dejected Miguel Cabrera after hearing the news that he hadn’t made the AL team. “I thought for sure a .339 average, 20 homers, and 71 RBI would be good enough to punch my ticket, but apparently they thought someone else would make a better choice.”

Jerry Birkowitz, the man who the fans thought made a better choice at first base, has never played in the major or minor leagues, but does occasionally take part in a winter softball league with his coworkers. His popularity in Detroit, for owning three car dealerships, is believed to be the primary reason he made the team this year.

“I’m just honored to make the team,” said Birkowitz. “I worked long and hard to make sure everyone at Tigers games wrote down my name on the ballot under the write-in category. Playing in an all-star game has been a dream of mine since…at least two months ago, when I realized I could probably bend the rules to get away with it. I’m so happy right now.”

He is just one of 48 fans who managed to get enough votes to propel them over major stars and into the game which will decide home field advantage and the fate of the MLB season.

“Wow, this is a big responsibility, I hope we don’t let the viewers down,” said Dave Henderson, another fan taking part in the game, “But even if we can’t really play baseball, we’re all planning on being really really drunk, so it’s going to be pretty fun to watch anyway.”

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Miguel Cabrera Successfully Throws No-Hitter on Wife

After he made it home and got into bed, Miguel Cabrera was swarmed by teammates who gathered around the sleeping slugger to congratulate him on the no hitter he had just completed on a very trying Date Night.

It was yet another no hitter in this year that has seen four of them already, not including Armando Galarraga’s near perfect-game.

But this one might have been the most impressive as Cabrera, with a history of alcohol and domestic violence problems, came through completely unscathed for the first time in his career.


“It was a very tough night,” said Cabrera afterwards to a sideline reporter who entered his bedroom to talk about the feat. “But I just want to thank god for giving me the strength to make it through a good 45 minutes of her babbling on about her work girlfriends. There were points in there where I thought I might lose it, but I stuck to the basics, and sure enough I made it through.”

The announcers were quietly impressed as he waited an extra 25 minutes for her to get ready to go out, making sure her makeup and outfit was just perfect.

But it wasn’t until they got to the dinner and she returned her food a third time because it tasted “a little weird”, that they started to realize the magic that was taking place on this date.

“We didn’t want to say anything, but we started to realize; hey, his wife doesn’t have any massive welts forming on her face right now!” said longtime Brewers announcer Bob Uecker. “When you notice something like that, you just want to keep it quiet, don’t put any more pressure on this guy or he might blow it. He could just come out punching during dessert and ruin the whole thing. You don’t want that.”

Things got shaky after dinner as they headed to a showing of “Sex & The City 2”, but Cabrera managed to keep his composure even amongst all the bad sexual puns and female empowerment speeches.

“I really thought at that point, he’d just sock her,” said teammate Magglio Ordonez. “Once Kim Catrall’s old boobs came on the screen, I thought his no hitter was done for. But he powered through it, the kid has stamina.”

Cabrera was ecstatic after the game, and thanked his coaches and family, but not his wife, who he really wanted to hit the whole time.  

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Yankees Give Red Sox Literal Bulletin Board Material (Satire)

A shipment of corkboard arrived at Fenway Park today, with a note from New York Yankees GM Brian Cashman.

“Dear Red Sox,” the letter began. “I noticed on a recent tour of your facilities that you didn’t have a bulletin board to hang disparaging articles that might contain offensive quotes from other teams, like ours. That is something all teams must do for motivation, and so sports radio hosts can speculate how big an effect said quotes will have on your performance against that team. Enjoy.”

Red Sox management did not take kindly to being sent this bulletin board material by a rival club. They immediately declared that they will instead buy their own bulletin board, and hang upon it a piece of this bulletin board material from the Yankees, as proof that the Yanks don’t think they are a professional franchise.

“The Yanks think we don’t know what to put in a locker room?” said Red Sox GM Theo Epstein. “We’ve been getting mad at them for years without the need to put quotes on the wall. But so be it, this bulletin board material they sent us will be the ultimate piece of bulletin board material!”

It’s being speculated by New York talk radio that Cashman is currently in the process of hanging Epstein’s quote on the Yankee Stadium bulletin board.

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