The process of having fans only vote on the MLB All-Star Game has finally backfired on Major League Baseball, as they have announced no active players have made it onto either roster this year.

For years, the fan vote process has been chided by critics for allowing undeserving popular players to slip into the game ahead of those with better stats. But now the biggest snub might be players like Albert Pujols and Joe Mauer, as not a single player will be taking part in the festivities this year.

“Well, I guess I just wasn’t quite having the year I thought I was,” said a dejected Miguel Cabrera after hearing the news that he hadn’t made the AL team. “I thought for sure a .339 average, 20 homers, and 71 RBI would be good enough to punch my ticket, but apparently they thought someone else would make a better choice.”

Jerry Birkowitz, the man who the fans thought made a better choice at first base, has never played in the major or minor leagues, but does occasionally take part in a winter softball league with his coworkers. His popularity in Detroit, for owning three car dealerships, is believed to be the primary reason he made the team this year.

“I’m just honored to make the team,” said Birkowitz. “I worked long and hard to make sure everyone at Tigers games wrote down my name on the ballot under the write-in category. Playing in an all-star game has been a dream of mine since…at least two months ago, when I realized I could probably bend the rules to get away with it. I’m so happy right now.”

He is just one of 48 fans who managed to get enough votes to propel them over major stars and into the game which will decide home field advantage and the fate of the MLB season.

“Wow, this is a big responsibility, I hope we don’t let the viewers down,” said Dave Henderson, another fan taking part in the game, “But even if we can’t really play baseball, we’re all planning on being really really drunk, so it’s going to be pretty fun to watch anyway.”

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