After he made it home and got into bed, Miguel Cabrera was swarmed by teammates who gathered around the sleeping slugger to congratulate him on the no hitter he had just completed on a very trying Date Night.

It was yet another no hitter in this year that has seen four of them already, not including Armando Galarraga’s near perfect-game.

But this one might have been the most impressive as Cabrera, with a history of alcohol and domestic violence problems, came through completely unscathed for the first time in his career.


“It was a very tough night,” said Cabrera afterwards to a sideline reporter who entered his bedroom to talk about the feat. “But I just want to thank god for giving me the strength to make it through a good 45 minutes of her babbling on about her work girlfriends. There were points in there where I thought I might lose it, but I stuck to the basics, and sure enough I made it through.”

The announcers were quietly impressed as he waited an extra 25 minutes for her to get ready to go out, making sure her makeup and outfit was just perfect.

But it wasn’t until they got to the dinner and she returned her food a third time because it tasted “a little weird”, that they started to realize the magic that was taking place on this date.

“We didn’t want to say anything, but we started to realize; hey, his wife doesn’t have any massive welts forming on her face right now!” said longtime Brewers announcer Bob Uecker. “When you notice something like that, you just want to keep it quiet, don’t put any more pressure on this guy or he might blow it. He could just come out punching during dessert and ruin the whole thing. You don’t want that.”

Things got shaky after dinner as they headed to a showing of “Sex & The City 2”, but Cabrera managed to keep his composure even amongst all the bad sexual puns and female empowerment speeches.

“I really thought at that point, he’d just sock her,” said teammate Magglio Ordonez. “Once Kim Catrall’s old boobs came on the screen, I thought his no hitter was done for. But he powered through it, the kid has stamina.”

Cabrera was ecstatic after the game, and thanked his coaches and family, but not his wife, who he really wanted to hit the whole time.  

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