The Vampire Baseball Players Union today released a scathing report about the rash of broken bats taking place at MLB games all across the country. It has reached near epidemic proportions in recent years, with multiple bats per game shattering into dangerous shards of wood.
Vampire Union president Randy Johnson spoke out against the troublesome bats.
“These are an extreme danger to any vampire who may be on the mound,” said an irate Johnson. “In all my years of being a creepy, pale, unnatural looking vampire out there on the rubber, I have never seen so many stakes fly right at people.
“It’s just a matter of time before one goes right through someone’s heart, and we have a pile of burning clothes where a decent, family-loving vampire’s body used to be.”
He went on to call the stakes exploding from bats borderline racist, and asked how African Americans would feel if bats exploded and fried chicken came out. He said clearly the bat manufacturers are designing these things as an insult to Transylvanian-Americans.
Other vampires are weighing in on the matter, such as Eternal Undead Jamie Moyer.
“I’ve personally had to dodge several of these things over the years,” Moyer said. “Luckily I’m older than even the game of baseball, so I’ve learned how to get away from flying stakes, but I’m worried about these young blood suckers.
“Between this and all the day games I keep complaining to the schedulers about, it’s just dangerous out there for us. Next thing you know they’ll be pretending like Sammy Sosa’s garlicked bat incident didn’t happen.”
The Vampire Union says it will wait for a solution from Louisville Slugger, the manufacturers of all MLB bats, but not forever. They then said they could technically wait forever due to their immortality, but would only give them another Twilight movie or two to find fix.
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