SATIRE—It was sheer pandemonium at Cooperstown today, when the self-titled warlords of the baseball world held an impromptu press conference to induct the newest (and only) member into the 2010 Hall of Fame class.
The surprise came as a major shock to baseball fundamentalists, who are still watching last night’s dazzling performance on instant replay.
“They may have bent the rules a little bit, but I don’t really see anything wrong with it… there’s no doubt that he deserves the honor. The kid is probably the most talented kid I’ve ever coached.” Nationals manager John Callipari said.
Callipari, formerly a basketball tycoon, left the Kentucky Wildcats yesterday to pursue his “dream job”.
Stephen Strasburg, the 21-year-old phenom who made his Washington Nationals debut last night, has made history before. Last year, baseball writers galore proclaimed him “The greatest pitching prospect since Steven Strasburg.”
A mere few weeks ago, as he was skyrocketing through the minor leagues, Strasburg was accused of being an alien by opposing manager Phil Wellman.
“No human can possibly throw something called the slurve. It’s not a real thing.”
Outraged after Strasburg’s eight inning, 29 strikeout performance against his Atlanta Braves minor league squad, Wellman proceeded to crawl through the infield, steal the shortstop’s glove, and announce that he was moving his team to the Big 10.
Although most Nationals fans had trouble finding the park, a full capacity crowd was on hand yesterday at Nationals Park to see the most highly anticipated debut since “Twilight: New Moon”. Needless to say, he sucked the blood out of an anemic Pittsburgh Pirates squad, earning his first ever major league win.
Over seven innings, Strasburg allowed only four hits and two runs.
“Wow, I have never seen that before,” said Detroit Tigers’ pitcher Armando Galarraga.
The quote was confirmed by umpire Jim Joyce. Oh wait, it was disconfirmed.
With an undefeated record, and zero walks allowed throughout his illustrious career, it’s safe to say that Strasburg is the greatest pitcher ever.
Cooperstown seems to agree with this sentiment. According to ESPN’s Adam Schefter, the Baseball Hall of Fame will be officially renamed “Hall of Strasburg.”
With an illustrious career ahead of him, endorsements are mounting by the minute. The same people who reported that Delonte West was having an affair with LeBron’s mom have recently confirmed that Dos Equis has fired their spokesperson and ended their ad campaign, as Strasburg’s arrival brings a new “Most Interesting Man in the World.”
Nike has halted their LeBron & Kobe puppet campaign in favor of a new dynamic duo of puppets—Strasburg and a Major League batter, equipped with a broken needle.
The only person that doesn’t seem to be impressed by Strasburg is New York Jets Head Coach Rex Ryan.
“My defense eats guys like Strasburger for breakfast. Come to think of it, I ate a Strasburger for breakfast.”
It has been confirmed by Pedro Gomez, who has just stopped following around Barry Bonds, that screaming sensation Gus Johnson will be announcing Strasburg’s next start, which is slated for Sunday, June 13 at Cleveland.
Speaking of Cleveland, LeBron James has recently expressed interest in signing with the Nationals, citing that teaming up with Strasburg gives him the best opportunity to win a championship.
In other news, Mark Cuban is organizing a NASCAR STRASBURG challenge, where Strasburg’s fastball will face off against Danica Patrick in a 500 lap race at Daytona Speedway.
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