The Baltimore Orioles hit home runs with a sense of sartorial justice Monday night, picking off fans’ hats and enforcing a dress code desperately needed in a certain section of Safeco Field.

Adam Jones led off the hat-bombing with a first-inning shot over the center field wall—clearly aiming for a Seattle Mariners fan in a red shirt and brown flannel cargo shorts. 

Jones placed the ball carefully, luring the man into overextension and weak-fingered hat-loss, as if to say, “You got one article of clothing right today, and now it’s gone.”

Chris Davis followed Jones’ lead in the sixth, peppering the same section of ill-dressed jabronis with another hat-stealing dinger.

The target was another man in a red top and cargo shorts, this time wearing a Chicago Cubs hat for some reason.

This man then climbed over the railing after his lost hat but was stopped by a non-cargo-wearing friend who did not wish to see him die that day.

Both men would get their hats back, thanks to Safeco Field’s overly kind staff of ushers. This should not have happened.

Clearly, Home Run Zeus had gazed down on this section of storage shorts and non-applicable team hats and saw it was bad. He then chose Jones and Davis as his vessels, using their bats to smite the Tupperware-panted who would trespass against him.

The Orioles went on to beat the Mariners 3-2.

I assume the Cubs fan is still in the ballpark, pockets bulging with anticipation as he waits for Kyle Schwarber to take the field.


Dan is on Twitter. You can hold a lot of dreams in those shorts.

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