First off, I’d like to apologize to train wrecks everywhere for comparing them to Chad Qualls. 

Even watching two steamers crash in slow motion isn’t as painful as watching the D-Backs’ “closer” try to actually close out a game. 

The 31-year-old righty has an 8.60 ERA in 2010 thus far, but that doesn’t even begin to explain just how bad he has been. 

Even in the games he actually does save, it’s never a 1-2-3 inning (hence his 2.11 WHIP). 

I refuse to let my grandmother watch an Arizona ninth inning anymore, for fear that her little heart just can’t take the gruesome sights.

It’s like a bad crime show, you know who the bad guy is, but it still takes till the last five minutes of the show for everyone else to figure it out. 

Duh, AJ Hinch and Kirk Gibson, how do you not realize that this guy is just downright ineffective?

Last time I checked, fastballs and cement-mixing sliders haven’t fooled anyone since Little League. 

For me, I choose to take the Happy Gilmore approach and simply go to my happy place (I’ll give you a hint, it involves Jennie Finch and a Gatorade bath). 

In order to become a relevant team again around baseball, the D-Backs are going to have trade away some of their few good players (aka Dan Haren) in order to reload their bullpen. 

Until then, you know where to find me. 

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