One of those vaunted New York and Boston rivalries comes to the forefront for New England fans who are reeling over the loss of the Celtics.

We began to wonder what exactly we are likely to see this weekend at the House Next Door to the House That Ruth Built.

If a visitor arrived all the way from Uranus to see what all the space chatter is about, he’d be perplexed to find two normal teams, playing typical baseball.

Well, they are as normal as baseball allows.

An interloper from space would surely notice that Yankee pitchers are fat. Bartolo Colon and Joba the Chamberlain look like Pizza the Hutt from a bad Mel Brooks movie.

And the Red Sox pitchers, like Clay Buchholz and Daniel Bard, seem to be married to Jack Spratt’s former wife. They don’t look like they ever had a chance to lick the platter clean.

The splendid splinters on the Red Sox all seem to be pitchers.

Late arriving radio waves to the outer planet may have not told the visitor that Derek Jeter, erstwhile hero of the Yankees for a generation, seems to have fallen and can’t seem to get up.

Home runs seem to come from Mickey Mantle’s grandson, someone named Granderson, no less.

Our extraterrestrial visitor would have heard about the great catchers of the past, like Thurman Munson and Carleton Fisk, but now a couple of guys named Martin and Saltalamacchia seem unable to catch much of anything, not even a break.

Our friendly visitor from another world may have heard reports how in the past every one in the starting lineup on the Red Sox was batting near .300, and now nearly every starter is barely hitting .250.

In the past, all those great hitters meant the team was mired in fifth place. Now, so-so hitting means the team is mired in fifth place.

Einstein was right about space travel, but he had no idea how it might affect a baseball fan. Better to sit on Uranus and think about those champion-caliber Big Bad Bruins.

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