Dear SF Giants Offense,

We’re writing this letter to express our deep concerns over a growing team problem: good offense.

In 2010, the Giants’ offense has scored less than three runs accordingly:

April: 9/26  34 percent.
May: 11/28  39 percent.
June: 1/12  8 percent. 

The offense is currently riding an 11 game streak of scoring three runs or more.

Before we dive in, let us remind you since the departure of Barry Bonds, we have become accustomed to sluggish inconsistent limp offenses.

Like a farm dog with ticks dug into our behind, we came to accept our cursed fate and that the world was generally a cruel place.

What do you expect, we have paws! How were we gonna reach back and pull the ticks out? You think biting helps, it only makes it worse.

At this point, our ticks are actually a source of comfort.

Now you’re back there digging around at the ticks and we have to tell you, don’t tease us. Don’t act like you’re finally going to screw them out, relieve our pain, and actually become a good offense.

Because the only thing worse than getting used to the pain and cruelty, would be thinking it’s finally going away and finding out it’s not.

Think of us as the sensitive girl who has always been a bridesmaid and never a bride. Men have been disappointing us our whole lives and now here you are acting like Mr. Wonderful.

If you let us down: look out! J-Wow’s right hook on The Situation will look like a tender kiss compared to the hell-fire scorn we will unleash on you.

Looking at your lineups recently and your numbers, we’ve been thinking, “What team is this?” And excuse us, but where are the gaping holes we have become accustomed to?

You know, we had gotten really used to cuddling up next to our teddy bear, then we slip into bed one night and find Bradley Cooper. Are we dreaming, are these hard, lean, rippling Runs, RBIs, and HRs really ours?

We call up some 15 year old looking kid from the minors (Posey), then we find some bruised and beaten up old mutt abandoned in an alley (Burrell), and presto, voila – we’re great!

And where do these slum dog cast-offs get off acting princely? Huff, Torres, Uribe…All Star caliber play? And we didn’t even know Sanchez was still alive – we thought compound injuries had killed him!

But come on, this is like a Cinderella story. And Giants fans do not believe in fairy tales.

Please go back to your old ways, so we can all just relax and accept the cruelty of the world.

Thank you.

Giants Fans

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