Kuzul

by Brett Lay

The Washington Nationals announced in a conference call this morning that phenom rookie pitcher Stephen Strasburg’s mutant right arm has lost its powers due to recent sunspot activity.

Nationals GM Mike Rizzo said Strasburg realized there was a problem when he could no longer summon the powers of a Norse god of thunder to fling baseballs at his normal average speed of several hundred miles an hour in a recent practice.

“As anyone who has had mutant powers granted to them and then taken away by a freak act of nature can tell you, it’s a traumatic experience. Just ask Cyclops or Wolverine,” Rizzo told reporters. “But he is fully committed to doing whatever he has to do to rehab and get back out there, because lord knows, we need him,” Rizzo continued between slow sobs at the mic. “Who knew that his weakness was random bursts of electromagnetic energy? We just assumed it would be drugs and alcohol, like the other red-blooded ball players we have on this team.”

Strasburg has been a rare ray of hope for these Nationals, who have spent the last several seasons perfecting their record of complete futility. The loss of Strasburg will be a big shock not only to this city, but also to his fellow players.

Truly morale was low in DC, as we asked some of the residents to throw in their two cents’ worth.

• “Yeah, Strasburg was awesome. Not sure what we’re going to do now.” – Greg, street vendor
• “If you ask me, I saw it coming. I can’t tell you how often the genetically enhanced mutant protectors of our national pastime come through here, raising hopes, but then fizzle out before any substance can be provided.” – Mara, food services
• “We have a baseball team? I didn’t know that. Give me your wallet.” – Stitches, unemployed

“We were just getting in the swing of things, too,” Ryan Zimmerman, the Nationals third baseman, stated to the swarm of reporters. “Ivan was just starting to learn how to block the plate like a real catcher, the janitor they brought in who was competing for the first base spot with Dunn had just barely gotten edged out, and we had just learned how to pronounce Nyjer’s name. I even thought we might win a game this year. What a rip.”

The Washington Post reported Strasburg will get a second opinion from Verðandi, a norn that once treated Thor himself when he had to have Tommy John surgery in 652 B.C.

“I’m no quitter, that’s for sure,” said Strasburg as he was loading Pegasus for the long trip to Valhalla for his evaluation. “Now that I’m temporarily a normal human, sort of like that dude in Superman 2, I have to be careful. It seems I can no longer smash through walls or melt things with my heat vision. But I’m not giving up on this season that easily, no sir, I’ll be back.”

At that point he mounted his steed and swiftly flew from sight into the sunset.

We can only hope, for the Nationals’ sake, that he gets his powers back.

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The Los Angeles Dodgers phoned the Boston Red Sox today to tell them they finally pulled a prank equal to the one done to them three years ago when they got Manny Ramirezed. The Dodgers famously fell for a classic Manny Ramirez, one of the most popular juvenile pranks, when they took Manny off waivers from Boston in 2007.

He went on to let minor injuries hamper his play until he finally fell out of favor with LA, and left the same way he was let go from Boston. But the hilarity ensued as the Dodgers phoned the White Sox to tell them they were placing Manny Ramirez on waivers.

“Yeah, the White Sox totally fell for the oldest trick in the book!” said coach Joe Torre as he talked to Theo Epstein. “I had to stifle the laughter as I told Ozzie Guillen I had a possible future hall of fame player who could help his team get in the playoffs this year. The fool actually went for it! He actually thinks Manny can help their team get to the playoffs!

“I put Manny in a box and sent him next day delivery via UPS immediately! These suckers aren’t going to know what hits them when they open up this package!”

While this is only the latest most famous trick, a Manny Ramirezing is a common prank for kids. Many people have been called by children, asking if their refrigerator is running…and also if they would like to pick up Manny Ramirez off waivers.

If they should be foolish enough to say yes, they are then sent the troublesome player who proceeds to bring down the morale of their entire household. He refuses to run out ground balls, take out the trash, clean his hair and pine tar out of the bathtub after a shower, or play a day game of Dominoes after a night game.

Eventually, the family has no choice but to place Manny on waivers in their front yard until a neighbor picks him up in a truck and takes him to their team.

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It’s been a wild season of pitching this year in Major League Baseball, with five no hitters and two perfect games so far this year, but yesterday’s events may just be the icing on the cake. Only 24 hours after Matt Garza tossed the first no-no in Tampa Bay Rays history, teen singing sensation Justin Bieber was on hand to throw out the first pitch at the Cincinnati Reds game.

But Bieber’s pitch looked so unhittable, manager Dusty Baker decided to just leave him in there for the rest of the game.

“He had a no-hitter going after that first pitch, you can’t take a pitcher out when he’s got something going like that,” said Baker after the game. “That first pitch was so unlike anything I’ve ever seen before. It couldn’t even reach the plate, it sort of bounced off the ground and then way over the catcher’s head. I knew no one could come close to hitting something so horrible, so I told the kid he was staying in there to finish this thing.”

Pitching in street clothes, Bieber baffled the Milwaukee Brewers for eight dazzling innings, who were likely so confused by the turn of events they couldn’t concentrate on hitting the ball.

“Wow, my daughter isn’t going to believe I was struck out by Justin three times in one game,” said All-Star Prince Fielder. “I couldn’t hit a home run off that kid, despite the fact the couple balls that he managed to get to the plate were right in my zone. My daughter wouldn’t have spoken to me for a year!”

Bieber’s agent was happy with the performance of his client, but furious at Baker’s mismanagement.

“Obviously he should have been pulled after that first pitch,” said the agent, Saul Washington. “Justin is supposed to be on a pitch count! We talked to Dusty beforehand and he said that count would be one, maybe two pitches. This kid has a bright future ahead of symbolic athletic honors before games. I want him to be able to sing a national anthem, toss a coin, or wave a flag at a NASCAR event. Now his whole career could be in jeopardy.”

Bieber was backed up by some stellar defense behind him to pick up the no hitter, but it really served to highlight that indeed anyone can pitch a perfect game this year.

SportsComedian.com

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