Kuzul

It’s like deja-vu all over again! 

Kim Kardashian, famous for being famous for foraging after flashy football players, is once again romantically linked to another celebrity athlete—this time a jock from a different sport. And it’s not soccer super star Cristiano Rinaldo or basketballer Lebron James.

Hint…he’s a lifelong New York Yankee, but it’s not Derek Jeter. No, not even A-Rod.

This weekend TMZ caught Kim Kardsahian cuddling in a corner at Kutsher’s in the Catskills with none other than legendary NY Yankee Yogi Berra. Yup, Berra, as in the original Yogi and former Bronx Bomber All Star catcher and manager.

TMZ photographed the curious couple biting into their blintzes at the retirement resort’s 4 p.m. early bird buffet. The octogenarian has reportedly fallen fast for the flirtatious Kim, who bears a striking resemblance to ol’ No. 8’s great-granddaughter’s niece.

Though the news shocked Kim’s fans, it didn’t rock either of Kim’s gold digging sisters. Khloe commented that Kim was unfulfilled linked to future Hall of Famers and wanted the immediate gratification of having a revered sports icon at her side.

Kourtney advised Kim to hook her Hall of Famer now… even if her new beau’s bronze bust was bestowed in Cooperstown four decades ago!

ESPN reported that Berra bested another potential suitor and nuptial contender, NJ Jets Super Bowl III hero Joe Namath. Although Broadway Joe purportedly texted Kim hourly and sent dozens of flowers to her LA digs, Kim shared with confidants that the 67-year-old Joe Willie was just too young and fell far short of Kim’s “bling” pre-requisites. Joe only won one Super Bowl ring and two MVP awards during his career, while Yogi amassed three MVP trophies and a whopping 13 World Series titles.

For the guy who said, “A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore,” let’s see how Yogi handles this socialite’s prodigious penchant for pearls, paparazzi and panache.

Kris Kardashian Jenner, Kim’s maternal role model and sports celebrity marrying mom, voiced concern over her eldest daughter’s choice for a new paramour. But Berra immediately rebutted, reinforcing his commitment to keep up with this 30 year-old Kardashian.

Echoing quotes he made famous decades ago, Yogi commented, “In spite of our 50 year age disparity…our similarities are just different.”

Berra boyishly beamed, “I’m optimistic, and this relationship ain’t over til it’s over.” 

Fans should keep a careful watch over the lovable Berra.

Because with fickle Kim Kardashian’s abbreviated relationships with high-profile sports celebrities, we might be hearing Yogi say, “it’s like deja-vu all over again.”

MIKE – thee American made voice on sports.

www.facebook.com/theemikefans

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The Mets adopted an unusual strategy for dealing with reporters’ inquiries about K-Rod’s arrest for assault last night.

Normally reserved and bashful David Wright sarcastically told reporters, “I’m surprised, K-Rod is such an even-tempered guy.  The victim is lucky Frankie didn’t stab him.  I hope he stays in jail.”

Asked if K-Rod’s two-game suspension would impact the Mets’ performance, Mets manager Jerry Manuel collapsed into a fit of honesty, yelling, “we’re going to lose anyway.  What’s the difference if our closer is in jail?  We suck.  That’s right, we suck. You wanna know why we haven’t won two games in a row since May?  We suck.  You wanna know why we punch our father in-laws in the head?  We suck.  That’s right. That’s my official answer to every question from now on.  Next?”

Adam Rubin then asked Jerry Manuel why his boss, Omar Minaya, blamed him for his assistant, Tony Bernazard’s half naked assault on minor league players last year.  “I just told you, we suck.”

“How about the Wilpons, Jerry, do they suck too?” SNY reporter Kevin Burkhardt asked the unravelling manager.  “You bet they suck.  Suck starts at the top, Kev.  Even our bat boy’s a chump.”

“Jerry, what about Jason Bay, does he suck too?”

“Are you kidding me?  He sucks the most.  No, John Maine, he’s the biggest sucker I’ve ever met in my life.  I wouldn’t let that cat mow my lawn.  I’ll pay anyone in this room if they can promise me I’ll never have to see those two chumps ever again.  As a matter of fact.  I’m done.  I’m done.  I’ve made my money, I don’t have to put up with another minute of the Mets, or baseball.  I hate the sport.  I used to like it but it’s ruined.  I never wanna see another baseball again in my life.  And you know what’s the only thing that sucks more than the Mets?  It’s you.  The media.  You guys…I wish K-Rod had hit you.  He hit the wrong guy.  Quote me on that.  I’m outtee 5000, gangster style,” and with that stormed out of the press room throwing his jersey at reporters after gesturing to wipe his rear end with it.  “Have a bad season, you suckers” were his final words before he disappeared from the clubhouse.

Gary Apple and Bobby Ojeda then spent the entire postgame show laughing and drinking beer on camera while pranking the entire team on their private cell phones.  In a call to Jeff Francouer, Ojeda pretended to be a dentist inquiring about his “massive chompers.” Gary Apple called Johan Santana, pretending to be the woman accusing him of sexual assault when he vomited all over the studio desk, during the broadcast.

The postgame show ended when Mets COO “Jeffy boy” Jeff Wilpon arrived on the set to fire Ojeda and Gary Apple who proceeded to beat him up after putting on beards, “blingy” sunglasses, and Mets hats, imitating the look of the team’s jailed relief pitcher, K-Rod.

The Mets are currently nine games back behind the Atlanta Braves and staging a late season comeback, and an unexpected World Series Championship.

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After months of hibernation in a coffin, Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig has awakened.

In an impromptu press conference Wednesday morning in Milwaukee, the 75-year-old skeleton addressed the media.

“In light of the developing story regarding the success of Nationals’ pitcher Steven Spielberg, it has come to my attention that a plague called the Pittsburgh Pirates actually exists in our great game,” said Selig, while dusting himself.

“As a result of the team’s utterly embarrassing national television display Tuesday night, I have decided to designate the franchise for assignment.”

“These so-called Pirates have 10 days to decide between accepting their assignment to AA, or accepting their outright release from American professional sports,” continued Selig, as he pulled out a pair of mallets and began to play his ribs like a xylophone.

He cited the “best interest of baseball” clause as his reason for the decision.

The Pirates were thought to have ceased to exist since the 1992 season, but have actually still been playing Major League Baseball.

However, their performance on the field has not been noted, and they are not regarded as an actual MLB franchise.

In a college football-style move, Selig addressed plans to replace the Pittsburgh franchise.

Illogically, Selig has stated that the league has been in contact with the Los Angeles Lakers regarding a potential league and sport change.

Lakers’ owner, Jerry Buss, while combing stray championship rings out of his mustache, declined comment on the matter.

“We will now conduct an 80’s-style NBA lottery to determine the future status of Andrew McCutchen, who appears to be the only true baseball player on the Pittsburgh roster,” said Selig.

A basket was then unveiled on-stage containing 29 envelopes, each containing one of the league’s remaining teams.

Without further ado, Selig reached into the basket and shuffled the cards around before finally pulling one from the pile.

Curiously, this envelope appeared to have a slightly bent edge.

“The rights to Andrew McCutchen have been awarded to…the New York Yankees.”

The bony commissioner then posed with the card in hand, winking towards the camera.

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How does this guy get so much tail?

His head looks like it was built with Lego blocks.

However, he probably nailed the photographer after this photo shoot. It’s the Jeter way.

Which leads me to the following list.

I ranked these putrid mugs in descending order from least of the gross to the King of the gross.

The Mt. Everest of Ugly, if you will.

Without further ado.

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I’m hoping that Ollie Perez decides to walk (pun intended) away from baseball to open a hair salon so he can carve fancy lightening bolts in my sideburns, like he does with his.

He could charge $36 million dollars for a haircut.  And the same way he struggles repeating his delivery, he’d also forget how to cut hair in the middle of each cut, upon which a back-up barber would come in to finish the job.

And every time you ask Ollie the Barber to make an adjustment, like make the top shorter or the mullet longer, his phone would ring.  The man on the line is his agent Scott Boras, and the answer is no—he won’t do it.  

Ollie the Sideburn Architect doesn’t do a lot of things.  He doesn’t throw strikes.  He doesn’t care about his team.  He doesn’t care that the man who made him a multimillionaire would like him to go to the minors.  

Sideburns.  He does care about them.

So I’m hoping that Ollie takes his $36 million dollars of the Mets’ money, “walks” from baseball and opens up a hair salon.  I’m suggesting that he names it…

Cut From the Team Salon.

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In front of dozens of Oakland Athletics fans at the Coliseum, Dallas Braden threw the 19th perfect game in MLB history and second in team history Sunday.

Afterward, Braden was a little annoyed when his teammates ran across the mound to celebrate with him. He attempted to put a velvet rope around the mound before celebrating but was unable to stop his teammates from getting through.

“Stay the f$%k off my mound!” Braden yelled. “Go around and come hug me.”

Thankfully, Braden was able to put his grandmother, Peggy Lindsey, in a hold before she was able to step on the mound, avoiding what could have been a disaster.

“I’m glad I was able to bear-hug her before she stepped on my mound,” Braden said. “I’m not sure I would have been able to forgive her if she did that. Things could have gotten ugly.”

Athletics catcher Kurt Suzuki refuses to even step on the dirt when coming to talk to Braden.

“The last time I did that…well, let’s just say this may or may not have been from Braden spearing me,” Suzuki said, motioning to the bandages around his midsection while sitting in front of his locker.

Suzuki has missed the last two weeks with a “ribcage strain.”

Braden is pushing for any mound he pitches from to be removed after each inning he pitches. This would make it so opposing pitchers, catchers, and managers couldn’t step on the mound he was pitching from.

“It’s my mound, dammit,” Braden said. “No one else’s; mine, mine, mine.”

Braden has refused to allow the mound from his perfect game to be sent to Cooperstown to be enshrined in the Baseball Hall of Fame.

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