Tag: Mike Sweeney

I Know How To Get Jayson Werth To Stay—And It’s Legal…Somewhere

With the Phillies’ postseason sweep of the Reds, I thought it was time to pay homage. I’ll start:

When it comes to Phillies pitching, there’s definitely something in the H20.

Mike Sweeney is so generous with the hugs, I applied for a job as bat-boy.

The Phils successfully steal so many bases, they gave away EPTs at the last game.

Wilson Valdez is such a great backup, I’m tempted to call him when my husband’s out of town.

A close examination of Chase Utley proves he definitely deserves the nickname “Chase Buttley.”

And on a scale of 1 to 10, Jayson Werth should just take his pants off.

Speaking of compliments, here’s some comments from the wonderful people who have endured my blogs and can write in complete sentences:

“Lots of mental pictures there, some I may not be able to shake.”

“You are by far one of the most self-deprecating columnists that I’ve ever had the pleasure of reading.”

Another said, “I haven’t seen so much sex intertwined with baseball since Meat Loaf’s, Paradise by the Dashboard Lights.”

And a fan recently told me, “You have the first R-rated Phillies blog ever!”

I feel so special. Just this morning my husband paid me another. He said, “No one’s ever stretched cleaning products like you.”

It’s true. My dust bunnies are so thick my cat caught one and knitted a sweater.

To save space I put my vacuum cleaner in storage.

My Swiffer dry rotted.

And my windows are so dirty people think I had them tinted.

Hey, it saves opening and closing those bothersome blinds.

That twisting action will give you carpel tunnel.

My husband and I learned that complimenting each other can bring a couple closer.

Watch. “Hey honey, I love how you grow hair on every part of your body.”

He says, “Yeah, but you do that better than me.”

See? We’re really getting the hang of this.

Let me try again. “Honey, if you drank more beer, I could stop stuffing my bra.”

He says, “If it weren’t for childbirth, you’d have no stretch marks to prove you have boobs.”

I know what you’re thinking—I’m spoiled.

Actually paying each other compliments was something we learned to do at a couples retreat. It wasn’t exactly what I expected to do there. I mean, it’s a bunch of couples connecting with other couples to improve their love lives.

Wait. My husband has something to say. “You’re thinking of swingers.”

“What are those?”

Hold on—he’s gotta whisper something.

Oh my gosh! I didn’t know that! Why wasn’t I informed?! I just thought of the next promotion at Citizens Bank Park—Swingers night.

Now that’s a way to connect with those with similar interests.

Gives new meaning to the term, “Rotation.”

Where was I? I’m so sorry. I have no idea how a post proclaiming my love for Jayson Werth ended up being about my marriage.

Trust me, there’s absolutely no segue there.

Now, I know I failed to coax Cliff Lee back but I think I’ll be effective running a campaign to keep Jayson here.

Hold on. My husband says, “Remember what happened when you were the Girl Scout Ambassador to the French Foreign Legion.”

That wasn’t my fault! I’m from Iowa. The only Frenchman I saw up to that point was Pepe Le Pew. And I thought the vapor that rose from his tail was musk.

Hey, maybe I could speak with a sexy French accent to tempt Jayson to stay:

“Hi, my name’th Flattith. I have a thong. It’th called, ‘There’th Thomething Up My Ath’.”

My husband says, “That’s not an accent, it’s a speech impediment.”

“I thought they were the same thing.”

He says, “You also thought ‘the clap’ was just another way to ‘high-five’.”

“No, I thought they were both signs that you’d had a good time.”

He says, “They are.”

Well, back to the drawing board.

They rejected my application for Phillies Phantasy Camp. Apparently “Tattooing Jayson Werth’s face on my ass,” isn’t an acceptable camp expectation.

Some people are so uptight I wonder how they fart.

I guess I’ll just accept that he’s leaving and find something else to dream about in the off season. I could always resort to Fantasy Baseball. Maybe I’ll join and share mine.

I heard they’ve even expanded to Pro Fantasy Rodeo. I could write about my night with that bull rider in Allerton, Iowa. Wait, he broke his collar bone. I told him to take two Viagra and call me in the morning.

Maybe I’ll write my memoir. I’ll call it something like: “Ode to the Phillieth from an Ath in the Making.”

Remember, capitalize first, last, and all important words.

My husband says the memoir will never sell. He thinks I need a good, strong shtick. The problem is small breasts just aren’t as marketable as they were before Kate Hudson got a boob job.

Hey, Hanes has a new t-shirt—they claim it lays flat no matter what.

I have a chest like that. I could be their poster girl.

Where’s my agent?

A better question is, “What’s an agent?”

My husband says, “It’s used for cleaning. That’s why you’re not familiar with it.”

“Hey, that wasn’t a compliment.”

He says he’s sorry. Now he’s trying to make it up to me. He says he’ll race me in a breast self-exam.

That’s no fun. He knows I’ll win.

Even if I give him a head start.

Well, I think I’ve caused enough carnage for one blog. Who knows? Maybe someone will leave me a really special comment.

My husband says, “Not possible. No one else knows you can eat hot dogs with your feet.”

Whoops, I guess they do now.

Now that’s a picture for Phanavision.

Hey, maybe that will entice Jayson to stay.

My husband says, “Right. Drop him a line that says, ‘Hi, my name’th Flattith. I eat hot dogth with my toeth and I’m flat like a Haneth t-thirt.’”

Hey, you never know—maybe he likes Daffy Duck.

It’th worth a try.

Thee you at the ballpark.


Copyright 2010 Flattish Poe all rights reserved.

Catch life one-liner at a time on Twitter.

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Philadelphia Phillies Add Depth With Veteran Mike Sweeney

(Philadelphia, PA) – With Ryan Howard on the 15-day disabled list and the Phillies still without a viable right handed bat off the bench general manager Ruben Amaro Jr. made a move yesterday acquiring veteran Mike Sweeney from the Seattle Mariners.

The Phillies acquired Sweeney for a player-to-be named or cash consideration, the teams have yet to agree, and Sweeney will fill in at first base until Howard returns from the DL.

Phillies manager Charlie Manuel seemed pleased with the deal telling reporters. “He can hit…and help us right now”.

Sweeney, 37, is in his 16th season in the majors and is hitting .263 with six home runs and 18 RBI in 30 games. He has been on the disabled list with back spasms but was removed upon the trade to Philadephia.

In his last rehab start for Triple-A Tacoma last night he hit two home runs and had four RBI.

“We still think in the limited playing time he might have that he has a chance to win some games for us.” stated GM Ruben Amaro Jr.

This is a smart move for the Phillies as they make their push towards the playoffs because they gave up very little and added veteran depth to their bench. Sweeney will add something the Phillies have lacked at times this season, the ability to hit with runners in scoring position. (.313 10-for-32).

Sweeney spent the first 13 years of his career with the Kansas City Royals, after he was drafted in the 10th round by KC in 1991, and was a five-time all start at first base. He spent a year in Oakland before joining the Mariners in 2007.

The team expects the newest Phillie to be in tonight’s lineup against the Florida Marlins. Roy Oswalt is scheduled to take on Chris Volstad, game-time is 7:05.

Complete Phillies Coverge on Eternal Mulligan or on Twitter.

Read more MLB news on BleacherReport.com

Philadelphia Phillies Acquire Mike Sweeney

Yesterday I wrote that it wouldn’t surprise me to see the Philadelphia Phillies go out and acquire a first baseman if they thought Ryan Howard would be out longer than 15 days. I thought they would go out and get a player like Mike Lowell, Adam LaRoche, or Casey Kotchman.

Well, the Phillies didn’t acquire any of those guys or Kotchman, but they acquired Kotchman’s teammate. The Phillies acquired 1B/DH Mike Sweeney from the Seattle Mariners yesterday for a player to be named later or cash considerations.

Sweeney had a .267/.327/.425 hitting line with the Mariners with seven HR’s. Sweeney is far removed from his offensive glory days with the Kansas City Royals, but should be a decent option every now and then for Charlie Manuel’s club over the next 15 days.

Whether you think Sweeney is going to help the Phillies or not, what this move represents is the Phillies doing whatever it takes to win. If they need something, they go out and get it.

Unlike the New York Mets, if the Phillies have a need, they do whatever it takes to fill it.

They have moved into the New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox category of World Series or bust every year.


NOTE: The reason Sweeney could be traded was because he passed through waivers.

You can follow The Ghost of Moonlight Graham on Twitter @theghostofmlg

Read more MLB news on BleacherReport.com

Mike Sweeney Makes a Case To Be the Seattle Mariners’ Designated Hitter

As a lifelong skeptic, I am the first person to downplay a small sample size of excellent statistics.

When Mike Sweeney tore through spring training and earned a roster spot with the Mariners this year, part of me said ‘good, I’ll take an able bat on the bench,’ while another part of me said ‘why are we wasting a roster spot on a non-fielding designated hitter and pinch hitter when we already have Griffey filling that role?’ I was skeptical, but willing to give Sweeney a few weeks to prove me wrong.

When Mike Sweeney went 1-14 to start the season (a tidy .071 batting average), I was one of the first to demand he be sent out to pasture. As previously mentioned, we already had Griffey to fill the “veteran leader slash clubhouse presence slash non-fielder slash decent pinch hitting option slash past-his-prime hitter” on the roster, and an older Mike Sweeney who couldn’t even bat the Mendoza line had no spot on the team in my opinion.

Not even two months into the season, Mike Sweeney is starting to prove me wrong.

It all started last week, when a friend and I had a discussion over who we would rather have as the everyday DH, Sweeney or Ken Griffey Jr. The nostalgic part of me leaned towards The Kid, but I was arguing in favor of…Mike Sweeney. 

This was before sleep-gate , before Griffey’s silent demotion from the DH role, and before Sweeney strung together a few starts at DH this week, but I still endorsed him over Griffey. Why? Because, unlike Griffey, Sweeney seems to actually have some pop left in his bat. 

As I mentioned before, I am generally skeptical of small statistical samples. That being said, it is interesting to look at Mike Sweeney’s statistics both after his 1-14 start (April 25 to present) and starting at DH this week (May 13-15). 

Since his 1-14 start, Mike Sweeney is 10-31 (.323) with 3HR/5R/5RBI. In three starts at DH this week, Sweeney is 5-11 (.455) with 3HR/3R/3RBI. 

Obviously, Mike Sweeney’s recent numbers will not continue all year (Sweeney’s last .300+ season was in 2005), but he has shown promising results for a team desperately lacking power. His most important statistic may be his four extra-base hits (three home runs and a double) over his past four starts at designated hitter. It should be noted that since April 25, a stretch where Mike Sweeney is hitting .323, Ken Griffey Jr. is a miserable 6-35 (.171) with only one extra-base hit.

As the baseball world speculates over whether the Mariners will pursue a better designated hitter via trade, one must wonder whether Don Wakamatsu is willing to let Mike Sweeney have the job for the time being.

If the last three games are any indication, the job is Sweeney’s to lose.

Read more MLB news on BleacherReport.com

Seattle Mariners Need to Wisen Up and Stop Trying to Kill the Messenger

With each passing day, the events surrounding Ken Griffey Jr.’s alleged mid-game snooze are becoming less clear in the eyes of many within the sport.

Seattle Mariners manager Don Wakamatsu said Ken Griffey Jr. was not asleep in the clubhouse in the eighth inning last Saturday night.

He was indeed on the bench and available to pinch-hit, contradicting parts of a story that appeared in The Tacoma (Wash.) News Tribune on Monday.

In case you yourself were napping and missed it, The News Tribune story quoted two young players, who spoke off the record, saying that Griffey was asleep in the clubhouse during the game Saturday night.

When asked whether he was asleep in the clubhouse, Griffey was vague. He didn’t answer the specific question but said, “I wish they [the unnamed players] had been man enough to talk to me.”

Upon being asked if Griffey had been asleep in the clubhouse during the game Saturday night, Wakamatsu said Tuesday, “He wasn’t asleep. He was available to pinch hit, and I chose not to use him as the manager.”

Before Tuesday night’s game against the Baltimore Orioles , the Mariners held a players-only meeting. A club source said the meeting was organized by Mike Sweeney and “was 100 percent about Griffey” and was designed to support Griffey.

The source said that Griffey was upset and hurt by the story, and cried briefly during the meeting.

Sweeney chastised the anonymous young players for speaking about something that had happened in the clubhouse, in essence challenging the clubhouse “Deep Throats” to a fight, according to the source.

And therein lies the rub.

If Griffey was indeed NOT asleep and available, then where was the need to chastise these younger players? 

What clubhouse incident were they relaying to the world that justified this admonishment?

There is absolutely nothing that makes sense in the team’s statements, and the whole thing smells fishier than the Pike Place Fish Market .

The incident continues to make waves as each day goes by.

After the Mariners beat the Baltimore Orioles on Tuesday night, winning pitcher Cliff Lee started to address the media, then stopped and said he could not continue until the reporter from The Tacoma (Wash.) News Tribune left.

Other Mariners players followed suit with the newspaper at their lockers, according to Seattle-area media reports.

Look, I don’t want to admonish anyone for being a good teammate and looking out for one of their guys. 

The sanctity of the clubhouse is one of the values held most dear across Major League Baseball, and the Mariners can’t be happy that two of their teammates allegedly violated that trust while creating a big media controversy in the process.

But from all appearances the events outlined in the initial report seem to be in all likelihood fairly accurate , meaning the Mariners are doing nothing more than killing the messenger here.

So Seattle’s management, keep giving your contradictory statements. Cliff Lee, go on blackballing the reporter who wrote the piece. Mike Sweeney keep offering up “stitches for the snitches.” 

All y’all just keep doin’ your thing.

But if your trying to sell me that there is little or no truth to the initial story, just know that I’m not buying it.

Read more MLB news on BleacherReport.com

Hang ‘Em Up: 5 Major Leaguers Who Need To Call It a Career

We see it in every sport, a once great player hangs on too long, refusing to accept that his time has passed. It’s hard to watch our heroes become mere mortals right before our eyes, and many fans seem to take it personally.

It’s no great mystery why it happens. All these athletes know is the game they have dedicated their lives to, given their blood, sweat, and tears for.

Could you walk away if you were in their shoes?

Regardless, this article isn’t about the choices that face these players, it’s about shining light on once great ball players who are now, sadly, shells of their former all-star selves.

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