Cincinnati Reds second baseman Brandon Phillips complimented the Cardinals before our last series, saying they were a fun team, akin to playing with your female dog. He was wrong.

The St. Louis Cardinals are sissies.

Before I get started, this is in no way a jab at fans of the Cardinals. Cincinnati and St. Louis are sort of kindred spirits when it comes to their fandom. Both team’s fanbases are mostly Midwesterners who are by nature respectful and polite.

I have friends who are Cardinal fans. Unlike Reds fans, you people simply had the misfortune of being raised in a geographic location closer to a team full of sissies.

I feel your pain, and do sincerely feel sorry for Cardinal fans.

Take your manager, Tony LaRussa, for example. His zealous envy of Dusty Baker is pitiful to the point that he felt the need to alter his rotation so the Reds will face the same three pitchers they saw in the last series. 

In doing so, Jeff Suppan pitched the final game of the Houston series and you people saw your team get swept by the lowly Astros.

A man less mature than myself may say, “Suppan throws like a girl.”

Congrats, Tony, for making the Labor Day series taste like a PBJ on store-brand white bread.

Cards catcher Yadier Molina is a sissy. Why? In our last series together, Phillips tapped Molina’s shin guard. That’s the baseball way of saying, “Have a nice day, friend.”

Instead of smiling and exhibiting an appropriate greeting, Molina jumped to his feet, pulled his mask up, and started barking face-to-face with a dumbfounded Phillips—a serious violation of social protocol.

Molina had to be restrained.

Once cooler heads prevailed, starting pitcher Chris Carpenter flitted to the field in a crying sissy fit. After his paranoid temper tantrum, he hilariously stated that Johnny Cueto was out to harm him in a physical fashion. 

I usually watch and enjoy every Reds game. Since this weekends outcome is predetermined (a three-game sweep in favor of the Reds), I’ll just stare outside and count pigeons.

Thanks a lot, sissies.

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