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New York Yankees: They’d Be Crazy To Give Captain Derek Jeter a Pay Raise

I’m confused. It isn’t the first time I’ve been confused, of course, because I’m blonde.

I don’t think of myself as a ditzy blonde, though. I think I have a good grasp on most things, although I still can’t quite figure out why anyone older than 14 would consider Adam Sandler a funny man. I mean, Sandler is funny like Tiger Woods is a virgin. But the mystery of a non-funnyman’s appeal to the masses is not the source of my bafflement. Derek Jeter is.

Unless I’m mistaken, the New York Yankees’ captain had a career-low season in 2010. That is, he had a career-low batting average (.270), a career-low on-base percentage (.340) and a career-low slugging percentage (.370). Yet, he is seeking a pay raise.

Say what? A pay raise?

Yup.

Apparently, Jeter and/or his mouthpiece, agent Casey Close, are of the opinion that the aging shortstop’s worth is somewhere in the $22-$24 million range, up from the $21M he had to get by on in his career-low season. Furthermore, they expect the Yankees to keep him on the playing payroll for the next four, perhaps five years, that despite the fact that he’ll be blowing out 37 candles on his birthday cake next June.

Am I the only one who sees this posturing as madness?

Apparently not.

George Steinbrenner’s two lads, Hank and Hal, have taken note of the number on Jeter’s birth certificate, as well as his diminishing numbers at the plate, and the Boss’s boys arrived at the very logical conclusion that their captain is in decline and, therefore, if he is to continue playing baseball in the Bronx it will be for three years and $45 million.

Works for me.

I mean, how in the name of Lou Gehrig do Jeter and Close (or anyone else, for that matter) arrive at the notion that a hike in pay is warranted after the worst season of his career? And don’t give me any of that hooey about Jeter deserving special compensation because he is the face of the Yankees’ franchise and it would be criminal if he were to wear anything other than pinstripes. That is, as I said, hooey.

Babe Ruth was, is and always will be the face of the Yankees, and he was wearing Boston Braves linen when he played his final ball game. Does that diminish the Yankee legend that is the Bambino? Of course not.

And if Jeter were to move on and finish his career with, say, the Giants or Cardinals, he’ll be no less a Yankee legend than he is today.

If Jeter truly wishes to wind it down in the Bronx, then he and his people require a reality check.

He is in decline at the plate and, despite a Gold Glove Award that he didn’t deserve in 2010, he has become average at the No. 6 position. Light-hitting, range-challenged, aging shortstops don’t get paid $22-$24 million per annum. Not even the so-called “face” of the franchise.

The only face worth that kind of money belongs to Angelina Jolie. And maybe Brad Pitt.

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L.A. Dodgers: Hey, the Giants Won the World Series, So Do Something About It!

Friends, Angelenos and contrarians, lend me your ears; I come to bury the Dodgers, not praise them.

How can I do anything else? I mean, while the Evil Empire dispatches its emissary, Brian Cashman, to Arkansas to pitch woo to the belle of baseball’s free agent ball, Cliff Lee, and the Red Sox make noise about Carl Crawford and Jayson Werth, and the Angels cast come-hither glances at Crawford and Adrian Beltre, and the Rangers try to trump the Evil Empire by reminding Lee that Yankees fans spit on his bride, there are no such sound bytes emanating from zip code L.A. 90090.

Which leads me to wonder if the deep-thinkers in the Blue Bunker at Chavez Ravine have been paying attention. Well, in case GM Nick Colletti and the boys missed it, the Giants won the pennant! The Giants won the pennant! Not only that, the Giants won the World Series!

Which, in turns, means the Dodgers must improve.

Now, I realize that the Dodgers’ payroll is less than Elin Nordegren’s divorce settlement, so I don’t expect Colletti to engage in a Cliff Lee bidding war with the Yankees or Rangers, both of whom have more money than half the G20 nations. You don’t go into battle against howitzers if you’re carrying a pea shooter.

I’m also well aware of the fact that Colletti’s ability to loosen the purse strings is hampered due to that nasty divorce thing between the two wannabe bankrolls, Frank McCourt and his ex, Jamie, who filed for divorce shortly after the Dodgers were ousted by the Phillies in the 2009 National League Championship Series (geez, talk about taking a loss hard).

A court has yet to rule which of baseball’s Bickering Blue Bloods is sole owner of the storied Major League franchise, so, as it stands, the Dodgers don’t know if they’ll be living with mommy or daddy and Colletti doesn’t know who to approach for an increase in his allowance.

Divorce and limited payroll ceiling aside, you still have to do something to convince the loyalists that you haven’t surrendered. And, I’m sorry, but re-signing pitchers Ted Lilly and Hiroki Kuroda doesn’t grab my attention. The former is 34 years old, the latter 35. Is this re-loading for the 2011 baseball season or a farewell tour?

Quite frankly, the only Dodgers-related news of note since the boys sacked their bats last month came from the camp of old friend Kirk Gibson, who cleaned out his garage one day and decided to hold a yard sale of some tar-stained items. The tar-stained bat he used to swat his walk-off home run in Game 1 of the 1988 World Series fetched $575,912.40, while his tar-stained uniform top and tar-stained batting helmet from that romantic moment in L.A. baseball lore brought in $303,277.20 and $153,388.80, respectively.

In sum, Gibson collected $1.19 million for a handful of nick-nacks, and I’m thinking the cheque he received from Chad and Doug Dreier wasn’t tar-stained.

I’m also thinking that maybe it would be a nice gesture if the former Dodger were to donate that 1.19 mill to Colletti, so he could go out and buy himself a pinch-hitting utility infielder. But, since Gibson is now manager of the Arizona Diamondbacks, I suppose that’s out of the question.

But, hey, I’m grasping for straws here. All I want is one nugget of good news that tells me the Dodgers recognize they have to take it up a notch, and don’t talk to me about Don Mattingly. Nothing against Donnie Baseball, understand, but all you need to know about the Dodgers rookie manager is a comment from 23-year-old outfield prospect Trayvon Robinson, who can tell us just one thing about the former Yankees great.

“I remember seeing him on the Simpsons,” he said.

D’oh!

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