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New York Mets Run Out of Humans to Humiliate; Move on to Dogs

What can we say, we get a cheap laugh from dogs that are humiliated in MLB attire.  Hey, who isn’t?

Thus, we giggled like a school girl when the following picture appeared in our Inbox this past weekend.

Mets Dog

A few notable observations:

– Why is the dog wearing hunting sunglasses?  If you’re going to go with the baseball attire, I would have liked to see some flip-shades, personally.  Get it together, pooch.

– A dog with a homemade sign is one thing…..but a dog with a homemade sign that includes quotation marks is another – as if this particular part of the sign is the dog’s signature motto.

– New Yorkers and/or visitors of the The Big Apple may have seen this dog before, in alternative humiliating scenarios.  I know I have (last year at the Puerto Rican Day Parade).

Puerto Rican Day Dog

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Today (1984): Red Sox Acquire Bill Buckner

The most famous name in Red Sox history is undoubtedly Ted Williams.   But after Ted, there would seem to be a cluster of players vying for the next tier: you’ve got names like Carl Yastrzemski and Pudge Fisk, Wade Boggs and Jim Rice, all of which are remembered for all the positive things they did in the Red Sox uniform. 

buckner Then there’s Bill Buckner

While its magnitude has been reduced significantly as a result of the franchise’s World Series titles in 2004 and 2007, Buckner’s famous error in Game 6 of the 1986 World Series will forever be remembered as one of the low points in Red Sox history. 

Every Red Sox fan remembers where they were when Mookie Wilson’s slow roller trickled through Buckner’s legs, scoring Ray Knight and handing Game 6 to the Mets, who would go on to win Game 7 and the Series.

It was on May 25th in 1984 that Boston acquired Buckner from the Chicago Cubs in return for minor-leaguer Mike Brumley and eventual MVP, Cy Young winner, and Hall of Famer by the name of Dennis Eckersley .  

Some call it the day one of the most famous chapters in Red Sox history was set in motion.  Others call it simply one of the greatest swaps of famous facial hair in league history. 

bill_buckner   youngeck

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Brendan Ryan of St. Louis Cardinals Must Embrace ‘Stache, Not Just Respect It

So this is what it comes to.

An American athlete adopts the Mustached American lifestyle, enjoys the warmth and attention it brings to his upper lip, and then decides to abandon it, shaving his lower nose forestation, which, of course, kills an angel in heaven (as the Dead Sea Scrolls, Leviticus, and the Book of Mormon suggest).

After abandoning said lip garment, his athletic prowess—once bold, powerful, and ruggedly attractive while living lipfuriously—takes a precipitous plunge.

This is a trend the research department at the American Mustache Institute has seen, very sadly, hundreds of times.

“It’s a sorry state of affairs,” said Dr. Dan Callahan, AMI director of research. “At some point Americans must realize that our lust for performance cannot be periodic or fleeting, but consistent and unflinching.”

Thus the case of St. Louis Cardinals shortstop Brendan Ryan.

Last year, long after the rest of his team shaved off their unity mustaches, Ryan’s labia sebucula (Latin for “lip sweater”) remained and thus fueled a breakout year for the former utility also-ran.

Flash-forward one year, after an offseason during which he had wrist surgery due to his penchant for self-pleasure, and even more concerning, he forcibly removed his upper mouth carnival.

So it stands to reason that Ryan, as first reported by R.B. Fallstrom of the Associated Press, decided to try facial hair again in an attempt to recapture his previous superiority as he struggles along.

“I’m doing anything possible to make some good things happen,” Ryan told Fallstrom. “Whatever it takes.”

It appears that “anything possible” refers to the same path that catapulted Ryan’s batting average near .300 in 2009, raised former teammate Rick Ankiel’s batting average 70 points last year, and pushed Jason Giambi near All-Star status while with the Yankees in 2007.

Minus his dental curtain, Ryan landed on the bench Sunday with just a .167 batting average and only six RBI, combined with erratic play in the field that included consecutive two-error games during the last home stand.

Ryan first tried to revive his swing by shaving his head, but clearly, he now plans to dig deep and bring back “the closer”—his mustache.

“We’ll go with the ’stache,” he said after last Thursday’s game while wearing the “Respect the Stache’” T-shirt.

Ryan should do more than just respect his ’stache. He should indeed embrace it, as history and statistical analysis have demonstrated there is no greater performance-enhancing instrument of destruction in the world of athletic performance.

Carry on.

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The Doctor’s PR Rub: Ramirez Finally Pulls Out of Self-Dug Hole

[Every day, stories spread throughout the sports world of another athlete or coach or team involving themselves in situations that inevitably need some PR spin.  Regardless of the severity of these issues, our very own Dr. Aaron Perlut will be there to analyze the situation and offer up some free professional advice.  Because if there is anything comparable to Dr. Aaron’s knowledge of mustaches, it’s his knowledge of public relations ]

Did you pay attention to the the flap in the Florida Marlins clubhouse between defending National league batting champion Hanley Ramirez and Manager Fredi Gonzalez? This is the same Fredi who reportedly dots the “i” on the end of his first name with a heart.

In case you’ve been on a Mickey’s Big Mouth bender and missed it: during Monday night’s game against Arizona, while trying to field a bloop hit, Ramirez booted the ball into the left field corner. He then jogged after the ball at a less-than robust pace, allowing two runners to score.

Citing Ramirez’s lack of hustle, Gonzalez benched his all-star shortstop for Tuesday’s game, and the player called out his manager.

“He can do whatever,” Ramirez said. “There’s nothing I can do about it … He doesn’t understand that. He never played in the big leagues.”

And then he was kind enough to bring his teammates into it.

“We got a lot of people dogging it after ground balls,” referring to the Marlins who are vying for first place with in the NL East—“They don’t apologize.”

Nice. Maybe Marlins stud pitcher Josh Johnson offered Ramirez a nice cup of Sanka in the clubhouse after that one.

Here’s the doctor’s PR rub.

Coaches and players get under each others’ skin on a regular basis. It’s part of the yin-and-yang of sports at any level, and most of it, surprisingly, stays behind closed doors.

In this case, Ramirez had fouled a ball off his left shin in the first inning. And according to Softball Guy , this feels something akin to having all of your pubic, nose, and eyebrow hairs simultaneously ripped off while a silver backed gorilla whips your back with a dense rubber hose.  So clearly, Ramirez was hobbling from the shin-shot when he booted the ball and it inhibited his ability to run after it at full-speed.

With that in mind, how should Ramirez have handled it? Do you throw both your manager and teammates under the bus and then move on? Not if you want to stay in the good graces of your organization and the 12.7 Marlins fans who actually attend home games on a regular basis.

As this situation was unfolding, I was thinking about what a professional would say—someone in the mold of a Mike Schmidt, Tony Gwynn, Albert Pujols, Crash Davis, or Mr. T—and it would sound something like this:

“I know I took that hard ball off my shin, but I feel like I let my team down today. I’ll talk to Fredi about it, but I’m more concerned about the two runs that scored and am sorry my injury couldn’t allow me to run full speed after that ball. I just hope I can get back to 100 percent so I can field the ball to the level at which I’ve become accustomed.”

Boom! You demonstrate remorse, suggest the injury played a role in your lackadaisical effort, put the focus back on the team’s ability to win and your role in that effort, and bridge to the future.

The bottom line is that sometimes you have to swallow the bitter pill of pride. It’s part of every day life. From telling your wife Yolanda that she’s right when you really want to lay down a karate chop, to supporting your boss Tim at work, even when he or she may not be right.

It just takes a little maturity, Hanley.

In the end, late yesterday, it was clear that someone (probably his agent) got to Ramirez and talked some sense into him, because the ordeal ended with the player  apologizing as he stood 12-feet-deep in the hole he had dug himself.

“I’m sorry that all this got so ugly. My intent was not to cause a distraction,” Ramirez told in a phone interview from St. Louis. “I’m sorry that things got this heated. The team, the fans don’t deserve it. We are all professionals here and we’re pulling for the same side. I’ll try to close this chapter and focus on playing baseball,” Ramirez added.

It was about time.




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JoeSportsFan’s Recommended Reads: Cardboard Gods Winners

Last week, we posted a challenge to readers to see who could come up with the best “untrue fun fact,” for this vintage Doug Jones card.


After a robust response from our dependable audience, our panel voted and determined the top two submissions, both of which will not only get the satisfaction of knowing their entry is worthy of the Worthless Card Collection, but will also get a copy of Cardboard Gods , a book by Josh Wilker that tells tales of the author’s childhood during the heyday of card collecting in the ’70s and ’80s.

Without further adieu, a sampling of some of our favorite untrue fun facts for the 1991 Topps Doug Jones that just missed the cut and our top two.

“Doug Jones slyly indicates to the shortstop how many occasions he’s had ‘happy time’ in the Indians’ changing room” – Chris L.

“Doug Jones had his routine down pat, five shots of Beam after every inning.  However, after beaning three consecutive Red Sox batters, Doug lowered his request to only four in order to “focus on his accuracy.” – Ryan B.

“Nothing angered Indians catchers more than when Doug Jones flashed the sign back to them.” – Ben Z.

“As Doug took the mound at Municipal Stadium that afternoon, he couldn’t help but to be impressed at the high quality manicure his 10-year-old daughter had given him with that simple little “My First Manicure” set. – Tony P.


When asked how old he was when he grew his 1st mustache…Todd Jones just held up 4 fingers and said “This many. ” – Vince B.



“After a slow start, Doug Jones’ career really took off after finally realizing it is the catcher who is supposed to be signaling which pitch to throw.” – Brian D.


If we had stacks of books, we wouldn’t hesitate to send them out to all of our readers who submitted their own entries. 

We always appreciate the interaction with supporters of the site. 

Keep your eyes out for another Recommended Reads giveaway in the next week or so.

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St. Louis Cardinals Fan Sporting a Parole Tracker Anklet at Busch Stadium

Heading out to the ballpark with a buddy can be a liberating experience, figuratively speaking.  Then again, for some, it can literally be liberating.

Take, for instance, the gentleman below who is proudly sporting a parole ankle bracelet around Busch Stadium this past week.  Nice.  Pre or post-incarceration, best fans in baseball, baby.


Truth be told, we were really hoping to find *some* morsel of the color blue on this fellow, so we could predictably accuse him of being a Cub fans.  Throw in the added possibility of “crossing state borders while on parole”, and there’s a strong possibility that JoeSportsFan racks up our first fan-hunting sting.  That would have been resume-worthy.

Alas, given that miscreant’s compadre is wearing red, we’re pegging him as a Cardinal fan.  Who the hell knows though, really.  At this stage in his life, he’s probably less concerned with team allegiance and more excited about showers without presumed sodomy.

It’s tough to say.

Special thanks to local fan hunter, Jimmy D, for sending this puppy in.  He could have been killed.

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St. Louis Cardinals Fan Introduces the Official Albert Pujols Dress

We’ve some some pretty horrific Albert Pujols memorabilia in our storied history of St. Louis fan hunting.

Large in part, this fanatical abhorrence is gender-biased.  Outside of a few pink jerseys here and there, our studies show that female Pujols fans tend to stay within traditional affection mechanisms.

That is, until we saw this…

(Hat Tip to Jason for the fan pic)

Yes, now there is an Albert Pujols dress (as if No. 5’s recent slump wasn’t enough cause for concern).

While we’ve seen plenty of homemade fan creations across Busch Stadium, this thing looks “official.”  Although, we can’t find it online anywhere to justify its legitimacy.   We even dug through the depths of Samantha Micelli collection —which really freaked the wife out—and found nothing.

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Baseball Players Named After Cities and Their Greatest Accomplishments

As noted by Sebek this morning, Sunday afternoon, Oakland A’s pitcher, Dallas Braden faced 27 Tampa Bay Rays and promptly got all 27 to record outs, otherwise known as a “perfect” game.   

The perfect game remains one of the most elusive accomplishments in baseball, with Braden becoming just the 19th pitcher in MLB history to throw one.

Perhaps as elusive but not quite as prestigious is Braden’s other accomplishment—being a Major Leaguer named after an American city.

After some quick research, it’s safe to say that there aren’t many people who are talented enough to play baseball at a high level and do so while being named after a major metropolitan area.

It’s a short but distinguished list. Here are some of the most notable accomplishments by others whose first or last name is shared with that of a major US metro areas (or nicknamed at least)

Buffalo Bill Hogg

Had one save, which was good enough for second in the American League due to the fact that only nancies couldn’t pitch complete games in 1905. 

Plus his name was Bill Hogg. 


1914 “Seattle” Bill James

Finished third in the voting for National League MVP after going 26-7 for the Boston Braves. 

His 26 wins that year accounted for 70 percent of his career total. 

In other words, he was a slightly more dramatic one-year wonder than Pat Hentgen. 


1959 Orlando Cepeda  

Became the first Puerto Rican born player to start an All-Star Game, and this was a time when starting in an All-Star Game meant more than people exercising their right to vote online up to 25 times for their favorite players. 



1964 Denver LeMaster  

Led the Major Leagues in wild pitches with 20. 

Rumor has it he had two brothers named Boulder and Colorado Springs LeMaster, but as usual, Denver hogged the spotlight. 



1969 Rick Austin  

Signed with the Cleveland Indians after being selected in the MLB draft for the fourth time in three years.

Each of the three previous times he was drafted and did not sign, his negotiating leverage increased when he was able to show signed offer sheets from production companies in the porn industry. 

Let’s just say, Rick Austin had alternatives.



1994 Steve Phoenix  

Became the 13th player to make the Major Leagues from Grand Canyon University and upon his debut, immediately became the MLB career leader in, “times asked whether he was brothers with River and Joaquin.”


2000 Reggie Cleveland

Was given the honor of becoming the namesake for Bill Simmons’, “Reggie Cleveland All Stars,” which feature athletes whose names might cause one to assume they are of another race. 

In other words, the name Reggie Cleveland sounds like a black dude, but in reality, he looks like Bryan Cranston from Breaking Bad



2008 Daryl Boston

Leveraged his spectacles into a role as Private First Class in Tom Henke’s Army with a unique specialty:


2009 Ron Washington  

Managed the Texas Rangers while high on cocaine. 

Hard to believe after looking at his 1989 Donruss card.



2010 Dallas Braden

Threw a perfect game against the Tampa Bay Rays. 

Whose next?

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Eric Byrnes Prepares for Life on the Adult Softball Field

As seen on Yahoo!’s Big League Stew , three days after getting shown the door by the Seattle Mariners, outfielder Eric Byrnes is headed for the adult softball field.  Awesome.

The man the Arizona Diamondbacks are paying $11 million this year in the final year of a three-year deal is going to star for a team sponsored by Dutch Goose, a burger and beer pub in Menlo Park, Calif.

“This is going to be a blast,” Byrnes said. “Playing with my buddies. I can’t wait for my first hit. I’m going to ask for the ball.”

Our guess is that Mr. Byrnes will fit in extremely well on the softball diamond.  He gave the whole mustache-thing a try, so he has that going for him.  Plus, he’s owed $11 million for the remainder of this year.  That will buy a lot of post-game Busch Light pitchers at the softball concession stands.

Besides the obvious “softballs are way bigger than baseballs” argument, we thought it was necessary to provide Mr. Byrnes with some insight into the real differences between life as a Major Leaguer… and life as an adult softball player.

Eric Byrnes Softball

Eric Byrnes Softball

Eric Byrnes Softball

Eric Byrnes Softball

Eric Byrnes Softball

Eric Byrnes Softball

Eric Byrnes Softball

Eric Byrnes Softball

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A Look at the Infamous “Zambrano Mows My Lawn” Shirt One Year Later

One year ago today, we at posted the infamous picture of a St. Louis Cardinals fan wearing a “Zambrano Mows My Lawn” t-shirt.

Although we did not create and/or endorse the product (legal/death threats implications mediated), the photo inspired a plethora of angry comments on and upset quite a few people in The Windy City.

Nevertheless, with Mr. Zambrano sentenced to the Cubs bullpen and hinging on ultimately irrelevancy, we wandered over to Google to gauge the digital significance of “Zambrano Mows My Lawn”….365 days later.



The No. 1 Google suggestion is “Zambrano Mows”…followed by “Zambrano Mows My Lawn.”  We’ll go ahead and take responsibility for No. 2, but No. 1 is a toss up.  The general public might not necessarily be searching for Zambrano lawn care activities.

They could be searching for “Zambrano Mows Through Pirates Lineup,” or “Zambrano Mows Down a Live Chicken in the Clubhouse.”

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