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Satire: New York Mets: Opening Day Predictions 2011

Ash sucks.  Bleacher Report.  Please delete this article.  And the Mets

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New York Mets: Wilpons in Serious Trouble, Will Get No More Money from MLB

The Wilpons may be forced to sell the Mets as early as this season.

The New York Times reported yesterday that Major League Baseball will not loan any more money to the New York Mets. This comes after the league loaned $25 million to the team last November to help the club “meet operating costs.” 

For the Wilpons, their ownership of the Mets appears truly endangered.

The article goes on to state that should the Wilpons, who are currently facing a $1 billion lawsuit by victims of the Bernie Madoff fraud, be unable to financially continue to operate the franchise, the league may change their position on loaning money to the Mets to “avoid a fire sale of one of its elite clubs” or “help the Mets avoid defaulting on certain payments, like player salaries.”

However, the article states the league would not offer enough money to protect the Wilpons’ ownership of the team. In other words, the league will protect their interests, but not the Wilpons’.

The Mets reliance on the league for financial support, again, the article suggests, is an indication that traditional commercial banks have closed their doors to the Wilpons.

All of this comes after the Wilpons put 25 percent of the team up for sale in January.

The Wilpons are in deep, deep trouble. Can you imagine if they sell the Mets because they can’t pay off their Oliver Perez contract? 

Wow, we’ve seen a string of heartbreaking, scandalous and disappointing seasons in the Omar Minaya Era, but this one is wasting no time getting off to a disastrous start.

As a Mets fan, I want to remind the Shea faithful, the Flushing Meadows crowd, the No. 7 Line Baseball Express…Being a Yankees fan is cake and cookies. Being a Mets fan takes strength.

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A New York Mets Satire: So What if Our Closer Is in Jail?

The Mets adopted an unusual strategy for dealing with reporters’ inquiries about K-Rod’s arrest for assault last night.

Normally reserved and bashful David Wright sarcastically told reporters, “I’m surprised, K-Rod is such an even-tempered guy.  The victim is lucky Frankie didn’t stab him.  I hope he stays in jail.”

Asked if K-Rod’s two-game suspension would impact the Mets’ performance, Mets manager Jerry Manuel collapsed into a fit of honesty, yelling, “we’re going to lose anyway.  What’s the difference if our closer is in jail?  We suck.  That’s right, we suck. You wanna know why we haven’t won two games in a row since May?  We suck.  You wanna know why we punch our father in-laws in the head?  We suck.  That’s right. That’s my official answer to every question from now on.  Next?”

Adam Rubin then asked Jerry Manuel why his boss, Omar Minaya, blamed him for his assistant, Tony Bernazard’s half naked assault on minor league players last year.  “I just told you, we suck.”

“How about the Wilpons, Jerry, do they suck too?” SNY reporter Kevin Burkhardt asked the unravelling manager.  “You bet they suck.  Suck starts at the top, Kev.  Even our bat boy’s a chump.”

“Jerry, what about Jason Bay, does he suck too?”

“Are you kidding me?  He sucks the most.  No, John Maine, he’s the biggest sucker I’ve ever met in my life.  I wouldn’t let that cat mow my lawn.  I’ll pay anyone in this room if they can promise me I’ll never have to see those two chumps ever again.  As a matter of fact.  I’m done.  I’m done.  I’ve made my money, I don’t have to put up with another minute of the Mets, or baseball.  I hate the sport.  I used to like it but it’s ruined.  I never wanna see another baseball again in my life.  And you know what’s the only thing that sucks more than the Mets?  It’s you.  The media.  You guys…I wish K-Rod had hit you.  He hit the wrong guy.  Quote me on that.  I’m outtee 5000, gangster style,” and with that stormed out of the press room throwing his jersey at reporters after gesturing to wipe his rear end with it.  “Have a bad season, you suckers” were his final words before he disappeared from the clubhouse.

Gary Apple and Bobby Ojeda then spent the entire postgame show laughing and drinking beer on camera while pranking the entire team on their private cell phones.  In a call to Jeff Francouer, Ojeda pretended to be a dentist inquiring about his “massive chompers.” Gary Apple called Johan Santana, pretending to be the woman accusing him of sexual assault when he vomited all over the studio desk, during the broadcast.

The postgame show ended when Mets COO “Jeffy boy” Jeff Wilpon arrived on the set to fire Ojeda and Gary Apple who proceeded to beat him up after putting on beards, “blingy” sunglasses, and Mets hats, imitating the look of the team’s jailed relief pitcher, K-Rod.

The Mets are currently nine games back behind the Atlanta Braves and staging a late season comeback, and an unexpected World Series Championship.

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New York Mets Poll: If Playoffs Start Tomorrow, What’s The Rotation?

If the Mets somehow made the playoffs and they started tomorrow, what do you think the rotation should be?

My pick is Santana, RA Dickey, and Niese, with Pelfrey there if anyone gets in trouble.

While Big Pelf was lights out earlier in the season, if the playoffs started tomorrow, I have more confidence in Dickey and Niese.

Hopefully the Mets can stay in the race and Pelfrey can find that arm he left back there somewhere in May.

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Bobby Ojeda Criticizes Mets Jerry Manuel in SNY Post-Game Show

After the Mets were swept last night by the Diamondbacks, SNY Mets post game co-host Bobby Ojeda issued several loud criticisms of Mets Manager Jerry Manuel.

Suggesting that Manuel’s consistent re-ordering of the batting lineup throughout the season has contributed to the Mets offensive slump, Ojeda then went on to say that he thought Manuel demonstrated a counterproductive lack of confidence in his players.

Ojeda on the Mets recent offensive struggles:

“I just think that the unsettledness that this ball club has dealt with all year, as far as lineups, has played a role in this.”

“I see guys, and these are good major league hitters, and they’re going up there with some awful cuts.”

Ojeda mentioned that “almost everyone” on the team has admitted bluntly to Kevin Burkhardt in interviews that they are “pressing” in their at-bats.

Ojeda continued, “What does that tell you?  That tells you the way they’re being run, and the way those lineup cards are being put out is not taking pressure off, it’s putting pressure on ’em.

“And they’re showing definite cracks in their behavior by going up there and taking awful swings at mediocre pitches.”

Ojeda’s criticism of Manuel continued.  “So far everything that Jerry’s done isn’t working. And how do I know that?  Well look at the record.  Look at what’s going on.  Look at (their performance) on the road.

“This is just mind blowing to me that this team can play so well at home and then go on the road and then just completely fall apart.  Now what changes? Its the same pieces in the game. I don’t understand it.”

Asked to explain the Mets recent post-All-Star Game struggles, Ojeda again criticized Manuel, this time for not showing confidence in his players.

“This is has been a progression into this, and I look at a couple examples.

“One, the Angel Pagan situation.  He wasn’t told he was going to be an everyday starter even after he clearly outplayed Jeff Francoeur.  He still wasn’t given a vote of confidence, and that spreads throughout your ball club.”

Ojeda also criticized the way Manuel has run his bullpen.

“When the bullpen has always been, ‘the hot hand goes, you turn cold on me, you’re buried…’ that spreads…”

“Listen, players are a temperamental people.  They depend a lot on confidence and sometimes that confidence has to come from external things. And if that’s your managers… if that’s your coaches, so be it.  

“But you need to have some confidence.  You need to have some people believe in you.  And the guy who fills out the lineup card has to show some belief in his guys, and right now, his patience is being tested the way this ball club is playing.”

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